Killing Mail is Pretty Hard
by Handcuffs-and-Notebooks
Summary: Killing mail is hard. Killing Mail Jeevas is harder. But since he has more fangirls than Light after only 2 minutes of him, the Yagami teen has to try. But how will he do that when ladies with brick-filled purses keep getting in his way? One Shot Crackfic


_**iPod's A/N:** Once again, Chips is lazy so I'm uploading this. Enjoy!_

**_Spoilers: For Matt's real name._**

**_Disclaimer: Neither of us _Death Note.**

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**Third Person POV**

One day. That's all Light asked for. One day where he wasn't tortured by lamps. One day where he wasn't accused of being gay. One day where he wasn't harassed by a certain detective who was also handcuffed to him- _cough, cough, **Mogi**__, cough, cough_.

One day. Was that too much to ask?

Apparently so, because this day was no different than the others. It all started out with that one innocent question...

"L, how come that gamer has more fangirls than me?"

In retrospect, _really_ wished he never said anything. Alas, it was too late.

L blinked boredly at Light. "Well, that would be because he never makes stupid expressions when trying to be evil. Or laughs like a gopher on crack. Or gets carpal tunnel from slashing his arm around whilst writing."

"I only got carpal tunnel _one_ time," Light protested, stamping his foot against the ground angrily.

"Yes, but he got carpal tunnel _zero_ times," L pointed out. Light opened his mouth to object. Then closed it. Then opened it again. Then closed it again.

He did this a total of 10 times, looking like a fish out of water. Then, he sighed in defeat. But that didn't mean he was going to give up. Because even though defeat means losing, Light Yagami did _not _lose.

Or be gay. Because he's not.

Glaring daggers at L, he said "But he's in the anime for about two minutes and the manga for eighteen panels. What's so special about _him_?"

"His eyes and hair."

"What?" Light asked.

"They seem to change colour everywhere you see him. I believe he had neon green hair in a video game once, whereas your hair is always auburn and honey coloured. Plus, there has been debates about whether his eye colour is green or blue. Many fangirls say blue but from what we see of his eyes its green."

"Maybe he just wears contacts, I don't care, but are you telling me that the damn chain smoker beats me because of his hair and eyes? I mean, he was never even given a personality! The only things that can be associated with him are games, goggles, stripes, that blonde girl*****, third place in some house called Whaly's****** and his cancer sticks!"

L continued typing, ignoring Light's rant.

"Are you listening to me?"

L turned to Light for a second. A _ping_ was heard from his computer and he went back to typing.

Needless to say, Light was pissed.

Due to the anger, he decided that there was only one thing to do: He must go out and _kill_ the gamer. Then all the fangirls would come running to him!

Even though he killed the one the fangirls loved, and most of them would be enraged and hate him forever...

But that wasn't the point! The point was that Light was supposed to have the fangirls! _He_ was a god! _He_ was the _protagonist!_

And he was _not _Kira, by the way. In case anyone was wondering. Because Kira kills _criminals_, not the main target of fangirls' obsession.

So, Light began plotting. He knew that he'd have to find a way to sneak out without L noticing. And he'd have to get the chains off first to do that.

Luckily, Light once had a job at McDonalds, so he knew how to get that thing off his wrist.

It would take cunning. It would take some lies. It would take ninjas in rainbow suits to make the extra prettiful. Most importantly, it would take extreme subtlety.

And it would take a complete dumbass to fuck it up.

"HEY L LOOK OVER THERE!"

Luckily, Light was the perfect kind of dumbass for that.

L didn't even blink. He merely continued typing away on his computer.

Light waved his hands in front of L's face. "Oh, L? Are you there? Hellooooooo?"

L sighed in irritation, glancing away from his computer. He glared at Light. If looks could kill, Light would be having a heart attack.

...Maybe _L _was Kira!

Before Light could accuse L of attempting to kill him, said now-Kira-suspect growled, "I'm busy. Go bother someone else."

"... Can you take off the handcuffs first?" Light asked in an overly-cheerful voice.

"... No." L turned back to the computer and typed again. Light visually slumped forward, looking depressed. He concentrated on his own computer screen. Then...

He came up with the _best idea __ever_!

He went on Wikipedia and typed in 'How to unlock handcuffs.' He stared at the screen anxiously. But when the Wikipedia page loaded, it turned out that someone had HAXORZ it.

In a fashion that would be obvious to any genius. The text was as large as possible, sparkling, and flashing neon colors. It read:

**If you want to be free of whoever it is you're handcuffed to, you merely have to lock them in a closet with a giant bear wearing a top hat and cane!**

Light gasped. That was the _perfect plan_! Why hadn't _he_ thought of that?

Oh, right, he had been too busy thinking about L's bu-

BUT! Light still needed some main components for this new plan to work.

For example, where the heck was he going to get a top hat and cane while still in the Task Building?

More neon-flashing lights appeared, pointing in the direction of the 'Top Hat and Cane Emporium' L had just installed. However, Light simply ignored it. He was trying to think of a plan and those lights were just distracting him!

So instead, he just checked out Google.

**Did you mean "L's real name"?**

Light ignored that. Whoever this 'L's' guy was, he was getting in the way of his search.

Hours on end, Light kept looking up 'Unlocking Handcuffs' but it always had the same answer:

**Hey, idiot, did you try the key?**

Light didn't know what this 'key' was so he asked L about it. "Hey L, what's a 'key?'"

"Something that you'll never get," L said without looking over. Light stared blankly.

"That answer didn't help at all," he complained with a sigh, scrolling through Google again. Maybe he should've gotten Chrome. Apparently it's Jesus' version of Google. Or something like that.

Then Light got a better idea. He looked 'key' up on dictionary(dot)com.

–noun

1. a small metal instrument specially cut to fit into a lock and move its bolt.

... That...

Didn't sound like it would help at all. How would a key unlock handcuffs?

Light scrolled down a bit, wondering if there were other meanings for it.

4. something that affords a means of access: the key to happiness.

Oh! It made sense now! All Light had to do was make the handcuffs happy, and they would unlock with _joy_! But how was he going to make the handcuffs happy?

He face-palmed at his stupidity. He'll just call in Misa! Misa makes everyone happy!

... Wait, that was a _terrible_ idea! Nobody likes Misa at all!

So, Light thought again.

Inspiration struck. Light now knew the answer, as it seemed oh so obvious.

He'd create a new holiday that revolved around handcuffs.

Now he just needed a name for his holiday.

And no, 'Handcuff Day' was _not_ epic enough.

Light declared- mentally- that he would not move from that spot until he though of a name.

So the sun set.

The moon came up.

The sun rose.

The moon came back up.

The sun went back to sleep.

Peek-a-boo! The moon sees you!

Uh, anyway...

It snowed.

It rained.

Flowers bloomed.

Tree leaves fell.

Yes, the Death Note World was so awesome that all these things could happen in five minutes.

... Or maybe that was the Fangirl World...

Either way, Light thought of the perfect name. Turning to L, Light asked, "Hey, what are we doing for the Chain Celebration today?"

"Chain Celebration...?" L turned away from the computer to stare blankly at Light.

Light did an overly-dramatic gasp. "Don't tell me you forgot about Chain Celebration!" he said in a loud whisper, as if the chains would hear him and start crying.

Wouldn't you cry, too, if your parents forgot to, say, give you presents for Christmas?

...I MEAN SANTA CLAUS. Because Santa is totally real. Yeah. Anyways. Back to what was going on in the Death Note World.

"...What is Chain Celebration?" L asked. Oh no! Light hadn't thought _that_ far. Curse L and his ability to be unintentionally one step ahead of him!

Light blurted out the first thing that came to mind. "Uh, it's the celebration of chains! Everyone who is _not_ wearing handcuffs need to be cuffed to someone else and those who _are_ wearing them get to take _theirs_ off! That's why I gave in so easily to be handcuffed to you!" he explained, like he didn't only do it because he was gay, L was hot and Light was secretly hoping for one of the yaoi fangirl's fics to come true.

L paused for a moment in his typing, staring at Light intensly. "... I don't believe you."

Light thought for a moment, trying to find a way to make L listen. "Uh, but don't you want the celebration cake?"

Without a second passing, L immediately grabbed his phone and called Watari. "Hmm, hello, yes, Watari? I need you to prepare the Task Force for the Chain Celebration while Light and I make decorations and such."

Watari smiled. "I told you it was a real holiday."

L said, "Yes, it seems it is. Now can you bake a cake for it? I'd prefer strawberry but am unaware of the customs for such a holiday."

Light gaped. He couldn't believe his plan actually worked! "It's okay! Strawberry cake is what people normally eat!"

L nodded and spoke into his phone again, Watari remaining on the line. "Watari? Yes, strawberry cake. Remember to brief the other agents on the holiday. If they wish, I shall allow them to take off to spend time with their families."

"Will do, L," Watari said before shutting his phone. "Oh, wait. L, did you want me to go to the store and pick up more handcuffs for the Task Force?" the elderly man asked, seeing as he was standing right next to L.

L glared at the phone. "How rude, he hung up on me..." Then he realized that Watari was standing next to him. "Oh. Yes. Handcuffs. Get them."

Watari stared for a moment longer, before leaving to get the cake and handcuffs.

"What kind of decorations are to be made for this holiday?" L asked, staring intently at Light.

"Um, those paper... chain... things," Light said lamely, linking his own fingers together to indicate what he was talking about.

"Do we have enough paper?" L mused, mostly to himself, glancing around.

"I'll get them!" Light suggested immediately, as eager as a beaver...

Who came up with that phrase, eager beaver? Have you ever _seen_ an eager beaver? _No_. They're all chopping trees down, looking _miserable_.

Anyways...

L blinked at Light. "You-."

"You have to take the chains off anyways, or else you won't get any cake," Light interrupted casually. "But I guess if you don't _want_ the cake, then-."

A _clink _stopped Light from talking. He was free! He could see his beautiful, bare wrist again! He stared at it admiringly for a moment. There were many people who would kill for a wrist as beautiful as his.

He wiped a tear- using his other hand, of course- from one of his eyes, and smiled as if he's just seen the most beautiful thing on the planet.

To be fair, Light's wrist _was_ pretty gorgeous.

He held his wrist close, snuggling into it. "I'm so sorry I abused you, Wrist! I'll never let the mean panda-man handcuff you again!"

To show how much he was sorry, Light kissed his wrist gently.

And then he started making out with it.

"Uh, Light-kun?" L said, trying to bring the teen back to the planet Death Note! Light ignored him, continuing to kiss his wrist. "Light-kun?"

L sighed. Light wasn't going to answer him. So, to get his attention, L slapped the teen.

"Huh, what?" Light said, looking around in a daze. He glanced at his wrist. "Ryuzaki, why is my wrist soaking wet?"

"Because you were just kissing it," L said.

"...Oh." Light observed his saliva-coated wrist. Then he very gently wiped his own spit off on his shirt. "Okay, I'll go get those papers now."

"... You do that." L turned back to the computer.

"And don't worry! I'm _definitely_ not going to kill anyone. If that's what you're thinking. Because I'm not. I'll be too busy getting paper," Light said, proudly marching towards the door. He was lucky that L was too absorbed in whatever he was doing on the computer to hear him or else he would be handcuffed again.

Light hummed 'Naturally' by Selena Gomez as he walked, because it was only his _favorite Disney song __ever_! Until Disney came out with a new song. Then that would automatically be his favorite.

He especially liked Jonas Brother songs. Not because he had a crush on them or anything.

Light passed by the Paper Store, which was called Papers. Get it? Like Staples, except with Paper instead of Staple? _Get it_? It's a _pun_! Hahaha!

... Never mind. Obviously you don't appreciate the epicness of puns.

Anyways. Light walked right on past it, shouting out loud, "I am actually _not_ going to get paper. I'm going to _kill _Mail Jeevas_ instead_!" He smirked proudly at himself.

If he was an actual genius, he would've made the connection of _paper_ and _Mail_ Jeevas.

He walked into the Post Office.

Which was the name of the store. That is why it was capital. It was a store where you buy air conditioners and stuff like that.

"I'd like to buy a car," Light told the clerk. Since cars and air conditioners were basically the same thing.

"Third aisle." The clerk popped some gum, not even looking at Light as she continued to flip through her doujinshi manga.

Light went to the aisle and looked around for the manliest car ever: a hot pink porche.

However, that aisle was filled with envelopes, not cars. Remembering his original objective, Light yelled, "MAIL!" and left the store.

A kid around him wiped a tear and solemnly said, "That's one dedicated mailman."

Light ran towards... He didn't even know where. He just kind of ran.

Then he realized that he didn't know where Matt lived. So he stopped running. "Aww. I can't kill him if I don't know where he is," Light said and pouted.

Then Light came up with yet another _brilliant_ idea. He could ask people on the street if they knew a man who went by the name Mail!

Light asked the first person he saw. Which happened to be a baby in a stroller. "Hey, little guy, do you know where Mail is?" He asked.

"Goo goo, gaa, gaa! Gaaaaayyy!" the baby babbled.

"I am _not_ gay!" Light shouted. Enraged, he stole the baby's candy... and ATE IT.

The baby began to cry. As if it was a signal, a woman stormed over. She slapped Light with her purse. "OWWWW," Light whined, stumbling backwards in pain. "Geez, what do you have in that purse?"

"A BRICK!" the lady shouted. Then she left. Without the baby. Because it actually wasn't her child. She just felt like hitting someone with her brick-filled purse.

Light stood there for a second. Maybe _he_ should get a brick-filled purse.

...

You know, if he were gay. Which he's not.

So, being the _nice_- not a killer- and _not gay_- cough, cough, totally gay, cough- person Light was, he took the baby and went back to the Task Building.

"Hey, Ryuzaki! Look what I have!" he yelled.

L's computer _ping_ed again and he quickly typed something. He turned back to Light. "Wow. That baby makes it seem Light-kun isn't actually gay. Is Misa the mother?"

Light twitched at the horrible images he just received. "NO. I'd rather be gay than be with Misa."

"Ah, so then why are you still with her?"

The teen stood there, unable to think of a reason.

The laptop _ping_ed again and L typed. After a couple of minutes, L said, "Unless you _are _gay and using Misa as a cover."

Light sulked. "That's it, no Chain Celebration cake for you, Ryuzaki."

Once again, a _ping_ was heard. Light rubbed his temples. "What are you doing on that computer anyways?"

"I am chatting on AIM," L replied.

What? Wasn't L a social recluse? "With who?"

"Mail Jeevas."

**FIN**

**EPILOGUE**

The baby was unhappy with Light, since he originally stole its candy. Therefore, the baby puked on Light before crying uncontrollably.

Light was forced to take the baby to an orphanage. Whaly's, to be exactly.

Light eventually got a brick-filled _man_ purse, though. L got it for him, because "Light had suffered enough" or something.

Light successfully knocked himself out with it on his first attempt at swinging it at L.

Karma.

**DOUBLE FIN**

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_**iPod's A/N:** Chips has nothing to say. So anyway, the title is a play on words. It's very hard to kill mail (envelopes), obviously. And it's also very hard for Light to kill Mail Jeevas, as you can see._

_**Notes:  
**__*****The blonde girl he mentioned was Mello, btw._  
_******Whaly's is actually Wammy's but Light is just stupid.  
And gay._

_**Thanks for reading!**_


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